Tech Support Hates You

Now Playing – Boyz II Men – Billboard Top 100 of 1994 – I’ll Make Love To You

I’ve been doing customer service for quite some years now.  And even though I’m a bit higher up on the totem pole now vs my early years, I still have to deal with the end user quite often.  After a while though, as with many in the IT industry, you start to really hate a lot of the end users out there.   This hatred is focused on either the stupidity of the user, or just the sheer lack of his/her self control.

So here are the things that pretty much annoy me about users.  The majority of these refer to phone tech support.

• You called ME for help.  So what that means is don’t start bitching me out as soon as I answer the phone.  I support the product, but I didn’t make it, I didn’t sell it to you, and I don’t own the company.  BUT, I’m the one who’s going to help you.  Therefore, I’m the absolutely last person you want to piss off. Just shut up and explain the problem 
•  The best thing you can do if you made a mistake is admit to it. If you tell me right off the bat that you deleted a certain file and the PC just went to crap afterwards, the call is going to go a lot quicker now that I know what you’ve done.  Trying to lie your way through the call is only going to waste your time as I pummel you with question after question to get down to what the problem is.
• I know you are computer illiterate, but do you have to be dumb as well?  I swear, when people call tech support lines, their IQ immediately drops to the lower 50′s.  Basic questions like “Is it plugged in?” Are often answered with an “I don’t know.”.  Please! Before you call me, try to think.
• And speaking of plugged in, don’t get pissed off at me when I ask you the basic questions.  I’ve lost count of how my idiots come back with “Of course it’s plugged in! I’m not an idiot” only to find out 30-45 minutes later that the cable was loose.  Or to find out that your retarded dog went and horked the wiring.
• I really don’t care if you’re a doctor/pharmacist/lawyer/executive.  Just because you’re in that profession doesn’t mean your automatically smart.  As a matter of fact, some of the biggest idiots to ever deal with tech support personnel originated from one of these fields.  I also really don’t give a rats ass what you do for a living either.  To me, you’re still a Neanderthal that needs my help just to check his e-mail.
• If I tell you to something, then do it.  Don’t try to anticipate what I’m trying to have you do just to prove how smart you are.  I’m able to gauge your technical skill level 30 seconds into the call and will work with you accordingly.   Don’t assume you know more than me.  Even if you’re 90% sure you think you know where I’m headed with the solution, slow down and shut up anyway.  I’ve lost track of how many times the problem has been made worse by the “Overzealous Wannabe Techie”.
• Speaking of knowledgeable, don’t say that you work in the IT industry as soon as the call starts.  If you truly have the tech skills, we can tell within the first 30 minutes.  Also, if you’re supposedly a tech, then troubleshoot the issue and remember the steps you took before you call me.  The guy calling in saying that the video card doesn’t work because he’s reseated it, tried it in another computer, and tried another video card in the same pc with results pointing to a bad card is going to get through a call a lot quicker than the guy who calls in saying “Your video card is bad”.  Regardless of what you think, if I replace  a piece of hardware without question, I’m just wasting my time as well as yours. Over 60% of hardware replacements in the industry are actually false diagnosis.
• Don’t you EVER, EVER, call me for help and then say that you’re too busy to troubleshoot the issue.  If you’re that hard up for time and you’re too busy, then DON’T CALL US.  You want it fixed without using up your own time, put your kid on the phone.  If you don’t have one, pay a local tech. But don’t call me and then say you have no time to fix the issue you dick.  What did you expect?  For me to fold my arms, and then blink my eyes to fix your issue?  Yea right!
• Asking for my manager over some stupid crap is only going to get you into hold hell.  A good example of this is the guy who got pissed because I told him the repairs were out of warranty since his son shot the computer screen with a bb gun.
• It’s not my fault that you didn’t back up your data, you idiot.  Here’s a clue, hard drives don’t last forever.  They do crash you know.  If your data is important, you should have been doing this from day one.  This is a common sense thing.  Your laziness is not my fault.
• Don’t call us asking how to format a paragraph in Microsoft word or how to get to a website.  Learn to read a manual.

Man, the days back at Gateway.  If Hell actually existed, it was there.