The Chronicles of Korrupt

HEH! This isn't surprising

I know I’ve been kinda quiet lately to some of you who know me personally about the father issue, so I figured that I will give you an update rather than keep you in the dark.

I just got a call from the social worker today that I need to come down and talk to her about discharge options because the doctors have recommended hospice.  If your not familiar with what that means, then just click on that link.  But basically, he’s terminal and at this point, we need to make sure that his last days are as comfortable as we can make them.

For reasons unknown, dad has been pretty evil to a lot of the people around him.  It’s not directed at me even though I’ve had some pretty somewhat heated discussions with him if I witness him in one of his heated moments.  For the moment though, the relationship is still good.  I think that he’s having issues with losing control over the things in his life and the only way he can deal with it is by lashing out at others.  And for some reason, he’s gotten to be very male chauvinist lately.

To be honest though, it’s not the inevitable death that bothers me though.  It’s seeing dad constantly in pain and taking his aggression out on those trying to look out for him, even the doctors.  His attitude toward me has kinda died down after I lost control of my temper at one point and gave him the “I don’t give a rats azz if you got cancer speech, I’m not dealing with your crap” speech.  Although I felt really bad for actually raising my voice to my own father, it’s turned out for the better.  And the caretaker mentioned that he seems to behave for a while after I’ve dealt with him on several occasions.

As far as my own emotions though, I tend to have my moments of tears every now and then, but not as often as I thought.  Most of the time, I’m pretty quiet about the matter, even though I’m bothered by it.  Lately, I’ve been keeping my mind off the cancer by coming up with wisecrack comments while visiting dad at the hospital and spending a bit more time with friends.  But I have to admit, I want to spend more time with dad than I currently do, but my BIGGEST weakness is that seeing people suffer and in pain just breaks me apart.  I can witness death and violence, and many other things, but to actually see someone withering in pain, or barely able to comprehend the world around them, just drives me to tears.  Especially when the one sufferering is a kid.

Dad seems to appreciate the fact that I absolutely hate talking about the cancer, and will make wisecracks about his hair making him look like Don King from time to time.  I often put myself in his shoes.  If I was a man dying in bed, I wouldn’t want those who love me to suffer and sorrow.  I wouldn’t want them to overly focus on my ailment or situation.  It would drive me insane to know that I’m causing someone else sorrow and pain.  Of course, this just adds to the confusion when I’m trying to find out why dad is acting the way he is towards others.  Not only that, but his bullheadedness has increased tenfold.  You would think that with death being over the horizon, a man would be a bit more humble.  Nope, not dad.

The biggest stress however, is dealing with the legal crap.  It’s ultimately starting to fall on my shoulders to have to deal with things that I’ve never dealt with before.  Funeral talk, power of attorney’s, getting the paperwork in order to deal with finances, care planning, just to name a few.  And you gotta love our medical and health industry.  It costs a HELL of a lot of money to give birth, and it cost a HELL of a lot of money to die.  To deal with the suffering of a loved one as well as the issues that surround the situation, can really drive a person to insanity.

There are some days I come home, turn off the phones, and the lights.  And I just sit there in the dark.  I really hope that kitten that Eric has is almost weaned.  I’m really needing a good companion right about now.

 Here'a a followup with Jason Whitlock on his recent article.  I suggest looking at this video for a very intelligent look at what the REAL issue with racism and the black community is.

Link